I saw the counselor today. It depressed me. She says I can't feel as deeply for things anymore because I've used up my dopamine. It's some brain juice that makes you happy and cocaine and meth rob that from you. Great one more thing about me is used up :( I feel stupid and trashy. This lady was dressed so nice and I looked like a fool to her. I'm not going back, I'd rather not know why things are the way they are then go through that again.
Bobby Jack came over last night. We finished a 12 pack and talked about things from the past. I've known him all my life, he's comfortable in the same way an old marriage is. You may not be happy together but it's familiar and predictable. He wanted to have sex but it's one more thing I just don't feel anymore. Why on earth would I have sex with him? He just thinks of himself like all men and I don't want that anymore. Even the body heat wasn't reason enough!
Jules has just about pissed me off. I found out she's smoking crystal and working the Richmond area. Sam has no idea. He'll go to bed and off she goes to town to trick and party and what pisses me off the most is I'm not with her. Lord how I miss the fast life. It takes so much to live it, but the experiences are the best of my life. The dreams of cocaine and crack and drinking are starting to creep up and haunt me again. A good friend reminded me of how every time I leave home all I want to do is get back here. She's right, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Is it Daddy? Jessica? This old raggedy trailer? Why can't I find my way.
3 comments:
Mary,
It is good that your saw a counselor today. I would imagine the news that you used up your "happy juice" is not nice to hear, did she offer any advice? Is there something you can take? I think you maybe you are keeping some distance between you and Bobby because you know he's no good for you. I'm proud that you are on the straight and arrow. I know being with Jules would be fun...but you probably wouldn't feel good at the end of the day.
Prayers from Texas-- Stephanie
Hello Stephie,
Yeah they want to put me on some lexipole for depression and some other pills for my mood. I'm not taking that kind of stuff! Bobby ain't no good, he's never been good and he never will be. I can't help but talk to him it's a small town, and I hate that I love him. Being on the straight and narrow isn't fun, I'm craving something, anything else. Thanks for your words and prayers, I look forward to hearing from you :)
love,
Mary
The counselor can help you find your way, if you give her a chance. She had to start off with some reality about how your brain's functioning.
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